Finding Home

I remember the day I arrived in San Francisco: one rolling suitcase, one bright green duffle bag and my yoga mat strapped over my back. I still laugh when I think about throwing my bed to the curb and patching up holes in the walls of my beloved apartment.  The drive from Cleveland to Buffalo was the longest three hours of my life; my car packed to the brim with the past six years of my life. I remember crying for half of that not-so-scenic drive, thinking of the people I was leaving behind and the memories and moments I had experienced over six of the most meaningful years of my life, at home, in Cleveland. If I ever wished to possess the power to teleport, this was the time. I wanted to get home, back to Buffalo, as quickly as possible. The drive seemed to never end.

As I drove to Buffalo I  wondered when the next time would be that I would make the oh-so-familiar trip home, and what "going home" would mean for me in a few years.

I arrived home and unpacked all of my things, only to repack them all over again. Home had become a very complex term in my heart; on one hand,  I was home quite literally. I was with my family and my friends; I walked down the street I grew up learning to ride my bike on and visited all of my "go to" places. I went to dinner with my grandparents, roamed my way through the aisles of Wegmans and felt okay being lazy, because hey, I was home. That's what we do when we're home; we relax, we unwind, we put things in perspective. I wondered when the next time would be that I felt at home, and for a moment I asked myself, "am I doing the right thing?

It has been five months since I drove from home to home and flew from home to new. People ask me everyday if San Francisco is starting to feel like home. I'm starting to realize that home often takes many forms.

As I pack my things, yet again, to move into a new apartment, I find myself thinking about home in a very different way than I once did. I take pieces of home with me everywhere I go, but growth has come in those moments when I see that home is simply about connection. I find home in the company I keep; the people that bring the light out of me, rather than those who dim it. I find home in the moments that turn my grin to a smile; home in the moments of laughter and in the moments of love.

Suddenly, I realize that I feel at home here in this amazing, vibrant city. I feel like my heart knows no limits and that I choose when and where I feel at home in every moment. Every new beginning is a chance to find home again; a chance to begin, a chance to let go and a chance to create a life of possibility.

On Purpose

"What would it be like if you were to live your life on purpose?"

This past weekend, I went to go visit one of my very best friends in LA, and in doing so, I had the opportunity to attend a yoga event hosted by RockYourBliss. We often talk about "living yoga off your mat," taking the practices of presence, patience and purpose into our lives. The group of us were practicing yoga that morning for a very particular and meaningful cause to Kick Cancer's Asana, which in itself, was powerful. However, in true yoga spirit, every theme, action or thought can be applied to our own lives if we are willing to let it. Jacki planted a seed of wisdom within the first three minutes of the 90-minute event, asking each of us to contemplate the concept of purposeful action, specifically when it comes to the act of living. 

"In what areas of your life are you living on purpose?"

It sounds really easy in the same way sitting still for five minutes on our yoga mats does (in theory). However, beneath the body contortions, inversions and intricate sequence of poses, the greatest challenge in a yoga class is, more often than not, sitting in stillness. Because suddenly, there I am again-- bumping into myself, with nothing more to do than feel my heart beat, hear my breath flow and watch my thoughts appear and vanish. Yet, the more I sit, the more aware I become that no one can live my life for me, which is why I must say, "yep, I did that on purpose"---

I live on purpose by loving and acting with purpose.

And then it dawns on me as I let this seed of wisdom grow its roots within my mind: I tend to complain, worry and agonize about the future more than I focus my attention, or my purpose, on the present. To live life on purpose means to stop making excuses; to stop wondering "what if," and instead, start creating a reality fueled by intention and passion. 

Sometimes the simplest of ideas seem to appear the most complex of actions. Yet, if every simple idea were easy to execute, everyone would have it all figured out by now-- life wouldn't be the adventure it is if this were the case. Do you wish to watch the adventure with distant eyes or experience the adventure with focused ambition?  I vote for the experience.

In yoga, we often say, "breathe the breath," and/or "sit with stillness." The act of living is simplistic in this same, sort of complex way, in that it is less about living a life of purpose, and more about doing so on purpose.

By the end of class, I answered the original question: 

Choosing to live, on purpose, every day makes me my own dreamcatcher. 

And with that, I live alive.

Thank you for planting this seed of simplicity into my heart.

Shifts in Perspective

Everything is about perspective.

How we perceive one thing can dictate how we lead our lives, from who we love to what we do. Perceptions of what it means to be successful; perceptions of what it means to be happy; perceptions of what it feels like to be healthy... Life is like a teeter-totter of altering perspectives, and we're all along for the ride.

Exactly one month ago, I packed up my belongings and moved across the country, because in my mind, I needed a change. Everything had started to feel stale, and I realized that if I didn't do something, I wasn't sure I ever would. There is something so comforting about sticking with the status quo, no matter how discomforting it actually is for the soul. Physically, I just wanted to stay put, keep going through the motions of everyday life, seeking excitement every now and again... Emotionally, I was starving, craving, searching for something more.

I could no longer let my past dictate my present, because then, the possible merely vanishes.
I'm in the game of possibility, and what seems possible is all about perspective.

I challenge you to think about something (or someone) in your life that you can alter your perspective on; what would it look like to see your job from a new angle or your enemy as a friend? What would it feel like to think of your current unpleasant situation as a blessing in disguise?

Notice how shifts in perspective can truly open small doors of curiosity, leading to paths of gratitude and possibility...

Ready to Role

Unleashing the Common Myth of Adulthood

I always thought there would be a significant moment in time  when I felt like an adult.
You know, living 100% on my own, working towards a stimulating and exciting career, independent and successful, happy and settled. I thought this time would come immediately after college; a vivid image of myself, diploma in hand, ready to take on the world with one success story after another. 

Over two years later, as I walk back from my friend's apartment, soup pot in hand, housing the butternut squash she had just so effortlessly peeled and cubed, I wonder: when will I deem myself worthy of adulthood? Will it be when I suddenly decide it's time to invest in a crock pot or that cutco knife that cuts squash beautifully? Does gladly accepting the roll of quarters my dad brings every time he drives through town make me less of an adult, or is it the fact that these quarters actually pay for my laundry? I'm wondering, is there a moment when it all kicks into high gear? Is adulthood simply about an age number or is it all in the attitude? Does it begin when I buy my first home, have my first baby and start to make six figures in a thriving, fast-paced career? 
Am I missing the secret to growing up?

As I begin each day, and as the weeks pass by, I am starting to see that while there are clear stepping stones in life, there are no definitive barriers that separate one stage of life from another. One of my best friends just had her first son and she still is overwhelmed by the idea of what "being an adult" actually means. The fact is, I have been living away from home, independently for years now. I pay my bills, feed myself, go out with friends and have no desire to change this. I travel alone as often as I can and yet I often feel like I am traveling through life waiting for the lightbulb to go off that tells me-- Okay, now you're a "successful, normal, adult." Is adulthood a true rite of passage or it simply a myth?

Success. Normalcy. Adulthood... I'm convinced they are all relative, and no one moment can clarify either as being fully "achieved." There will never be an internal buzzer that goes off that tells me I am any more of a grown up than I was the day before, because life itself is about growing up. There is not an end point to this process, despite what I have convinced myself to be true over the years. However, what is "successful and "normal" inside this realm of "adulthood," may not fit into the happiness spectrum at all-- and happiness, no matter what anyone says, is the ultimate human aim. In fact, I'd venture to say that the greatest level of success I can imagine is the genuine ability to feel electric, spontaneous, passionate, raw happiness, with no end in sight.

I may never feel ready to take on the tall order of adulthood, but I wonder if anyone ever does. However, the role I take in my life is absolutely my choice and my responsibility, and taking on that role is what it means to live life with intention and curiosity; no one is going to do the living, the learning, the growing [up] for me.


Hello mythical world of adulthood, I'm ready to role.

In the meantime, I'll let you know if I feel any more like an adult once I purchase a crock pot.


*photo credit via Pinterest

A trip down memory lane...

Remembering Adventures in Italy--

My European home away from home, always.

The city of Florence is enchanting.

I remember walking across the Ponte Vecchio bridge, admiring all of the sparkling gold lying perfectly inside glass display cases. Sitting in the grass at the Boboli Gardens and stopping at the cafe on the corner for an early morning shot (of espresso). It took a few months to get used to the quick espresso shot as opposed to the large coffee I was used to; I wont lie, I missed savoring my morning cup every once in a while. I grew to love the taste of espresso, the habit of standing at the "bar," usually just simply watching people order, chug and simply stay. They may have been gulping down their morning energy boost,  but there is no such thing as rushing in Italy; savoring is present in every moment.

In my very first day of class, my Italian professor said, "the major difference between Americans and Italians is that Americans live to work, whereas we, well, we work to live..." I knew in that moment, those Italians were doing something right.

Three years ago I had the chance to call this beautiful city my home. I took a Meditteranean cooking class with a (very good looking) chef from Chianti. We made chickpea soup from scratch, fresh pasta and eggplant parmesan sliders. Our class took weekly trips to the market, learning about the various qualities of Mozzarella and discovered fruits I had never heard of. My travel writing class had us exploring our adventures from various different points of view; I remember sitting on the hilltops of Cortona with my journal, spending a ride to Rome hiding in the bathroom after realizing I had purchased the wrong train ticket. I became close enough with my Fashion & Film professor that one night my friends and I went to her house for dinner and to watch Breakfast at Tiffany's as an "assignment."We ended up winning a wine bottle design contest, sending my friend and I to an all-inclusive retreat weekend at an agriturismo in the heart of Tuscany. 

I visited the shops of Sam Gimignano, each offering free tastings of the simply crisp Vernaccia white wine. I explored the hills of Cortona, walked the hikes through Cinque Terre, exploring each city's unique flare. I had the best meal of my life in Rome in a man's kitchen; he sang and cooked right in front of us, and I still have no idea what I actually ate that night. 

Nearly seven months were spent in this undeniably enchanting country that I dream of everyday. I sometimes envision Italy as a snow globe. It is magical, yet simple; exhilarating when desired, yet calm without a heavy "shaking." Every day offers the potential to find something new, glistening down a sharp alleyway or busy piazza. Within the snow globe of this country, I see endless possibilities for romance, exploration, presence and passion along with pistachio gelato that never loses its flavor.

Italy, I'll find my way back to you soon. 

"The voyage of discovery is not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes."

-Marcel Proust 

(posted in a San Francisco store window)

Dear San Francisco,

I’ve been drawn to you for years but until now, couldn’t say wholeheartedly that you are where I want to be. Looking good from the outside, you’ve seemed much “cooler” than Cleveland and I thought I’d feel better about myself just having you as my home. However, it’s not about which place is “cooler” or “better.” It’s about jumping off of stand-still ground and starting fresh.  #courage

This week flew by but not in the sense that I felt rushed. I walked for miles up tall hills and down steep steps. I took multiple buses from Pacific Heights to the Mission and Union Square to the Bluxome Street winery in the middle of SOMA. I went to a boat party across the Golden Gate Bridge and got a ride home in a cop car because there were no cabs, ubers or lyfts to be found. I met great people who welcomed me with open arms and I didn’t drop anyone’s keys down an elevator shaft like the first time I visited two years ago. Yes, this happened right before getting locked in the basement trying my best to find the keys that fell so quickly out of my hands upon arrival. I digress...

I had a list of “non-expectation” expectations; things I wanted to experience this week that were centered around my ability to stay present and enjoy the beauty of adventure and discovery rather than be frantic and anxious sticking to a plan for how things needed to be. I quickly found that this type of behavior doesn’t actually even work with you. I was told that people are either embraced by your vibrant lifestyle or spit out quickly. Thank you for embracing me.

Now I can reflect upon my "this is not an expectation list" list... 

• I can say that the biggest celebration of this week was my ability to stay present and go with the flow. I got lost, but not too often, and I definitely laughed at myself plenty. Note to self: sometimes sneakers triumph over Frye boots. #comfort
• I met new people and went out every night with someone different. #social
• I didn’t do as much yoga as I had hoped, but still practiced five days at four different studios, not including my home practice on Libby’s roof while watching the sunset. It wasn’t an “insane” amount of yoga, but it was perfect. #breathe
• I shadowed two psychology classes at California Institute of Integral Studies, which happens to be the only place I bought a Kombucha all week. The good news in I fit in with everyone else at the school carrying one. #curious 
• I did not order a green juice, although I was tempted more times than not. Green juice or not, I’m still forever a #yogafreak.
• I spent so much time walking outside; thank you for your amazing weather-- the fresh air and scenic views made me smile everyday. #healing
• I fell in love with a cafe on Fillmore called JANE. I went two days in a row and spent way too much money on multiple menu items and espresso because everything looked too good to decide between. I was even there for a casual afternoon coffee-cupping. #foodie
• I went to a winery right in the city with someone I met two days before; it was 4 PM, I tried five wines and it was fabulously out of character. #winesnob
• I did not go to Whole Foods. #win
• I sat barefoot in the grass at Delores Park, quite possibly the best people-watching scene I’ve ever experienced. #thesimplelife

I found ease amidst simplicity, and for that, I thank you. #gratitude

Love, 

Lauren

Simple in San Francisco

As I head to San Francisco for the next week, I am being “yogic” in "setting an intention" for this latest adventure. This intention is centered around ease and simplicity. As much as I love to travel I often find myself in the midst of anxiety, walking in circles quite literally and putting so much pressure on myself to see everything worth seeing that I end up not really experiencing the full capacity of which I could if I could just simply calm down. In this ongoing effort to just be, I am finding more happiness, satisfaction and ease than I do when I run around from place to place trying to accomplish as much as humanly possible. This trip is about not trying too hard; exploring without expectation and enjoying without analyzing. I wouldn’t be me if I didn't have some kind of criteria outlined for myself, but these are just some things I’d like to do and remind myself of throughout the course of my week:

• Stay Present; get lost often and laugh about it
• Walk around a museum and really look at the art; take as much time as needed. There is no rush.
• Order a drink at a random bar by myself
• Meet a stranger, make a friend
• Do an insane amount of yoga, somewhere different everyday
• Feel what it’s like to be back in a university setting; be a student of travel
• Avoid buying obnoxiously expensive fresh green juice; or, go all out and order it with a shot of wheatgrass and all; don’t complain about how expensive it is or apologize for being a yoga freak 
• Spend time by the water; hike outside; take in as much fresh air as possible
• Buy a vibrant, colorful dress and rock it even if I have no where special to go
• Find a quaint coffee shop and blog; #talesofawriter
• Find as many free things to do in one day as possible
• Be okay without having every moment planned; it likely wont work out that way anyways
• Avoid tourist attractions and discover hidden gems; write them down
• Visit a winery and get drunk in the middle of the day “unintentionally”
• Don’t buy Kombucha if you venture into Whole Foods; suggestion: Avoid Whole Foods
• Be curious rather than anxious; find ease in simplicity
• Eat amazing food and don’t think about the price- you’ll get paid in a few weeks
• Breath every moment in, sigh every stress out
• Find a vintage shop and buy an eclectic piece of jewelry 
• Walk barefoot in the grass or in the sand; lululemon socks stay permanently dirty anyways
• Enjoy myself to the max. It’s that simple.

This ambitiously long list can really just be summed up in three words: 

Presence, Simplicity and Enjoyment. I’ll check in with this list at the end of my trip and not until then. I wont be carrying it around in my pocket, checking off each bullet point like kale on my grocery list. This is my experimentation; I’m eager to see how it pans out.